Reader Beware

THE OWNER OF THIS BLOG WROTE THE FOLLOWING POST UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF A GREAT DEAL OF ALCOHOL. SHE HAS CHOSEN NOT TO EDIT SAID POST SO THAT SHE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER NEVER TO DO IT AGAIN.

I have a story to tell and I've had a few...well more then a few, but it is HER fault. So hang with me because I need to set the stage, so to speak.

As faithful readers know, Baby Sis is due with her first in about a month...give or take a month. She married a wonderful guy who is an engineer on an oil drilling platform. This means that he is home for 3 weeks and then gone for three weeks. He is gone now and will not be back until early August. Just in time for Baby Sis to give birth. The birth that I will NOT be attending.

My 3rd Sis has invited Baby Sis to move in with her and her family until hubby gets home. She's kind like that.

(So here's a conundrum for you...I am typing this tonight but I am posting it tomorrow. So do I use the present tense or the past tense or just maybe the past perfect tense?....toasted, I tell you.)

I got a call from 3rd Sis at 10am yesterday asking if she could stop by. Mind you, she lives an hour and half from Portland. Make that close to 2 hours during the height of the summer tourist season. Stopping by is not easily accomplished when you have a 4 and a 2 year old. But she said that she missed me. She missed me. I went all mushy inside. "Come on down. Stay for dinner."

Rewind. Baby Sis felt the need to spend the night in her own bed. Which is a half an hour down the road from 3rd sister's house. (Remember, my editor is away so I don't have a clue where to put the f***ing apostrophe's.) I am an hour further down that road. She was going to be a third of the way to my house...and she missed me.

She arrived at about 4pm and proceeded to twist my arm and force me to help her drink a bottle of wine. At that point my mom called and suggested that 3rd Sis send the night. It was 3rd Sis's idea that I drive Baby Sis's car back to the package store to buy a second bottle of wine. I've haven't driven a stick shift in 15 years. It took me 5 minutes to figure out that I needed to depress the clutch in order to start the car.

Rewind some more...see, I warned you. 3rd sis was driving Baby sis's car because her car is in the shop and her husband has driven their other car to the airport. He is in CA until Tues shooting a wedding.

The following conversation occured due to 3rd Sis's orgasmic ooohhhh's and aaahhh's over the yarn she was using to knit a sweater for my niece. I just don't get this whole knitting mania that has swept over several female members of my family. Just.don't.get.it.

Oh, I love this yarn. It is wonderful. Feel it. It knits up so beautifully. Just touch it.

Umm, nice. You know that I am just humoring you because I love you.

Yeah, just like I tell you that I read your blog and understand what that is all about.

Hahahahahahah...ouch!

She promised me that when she wins the lottery she is going to take me to France. We are going to follow the Tour, drink wine and slap us some prime male biker butt.

This 3rs sister of mine is my best bud. She is the one I call when I am blue....then I call my mom. She is the one who offered to beat up my ex-hubby for me when I was having trouble getting in touch with my anger. This sis honored me by letting me witness the birth of her first born. And honored me further by witnessing the birth of my 4th child....with her 6 month old son on her lap.

My last child and her first child are best friends. She co-parents my children and I hers. She is my rock and my shoulder. She laughs with me and at me. She keeps me real. She is my sister and I am truly blessed to have this good, kind and smart woman in my life.

Oh, oh, oh and I knew I cleaned my bathroom for a reason....company was coming!

I'm the tall one.
She looks grumpy because her 2 year old was screaming "momma" at the top of her lungs. She had a hard time going to sleep in a strange bed.