The Weird World of On-Line Dating

My new computer came home to live with us in January. I am sure the love affair will cool down in time, but right now we are still hot and heavy. One of the first adventures we took together was to sign up with an on-line dating service. That was in early February and for the next 2 months my life was consumed with checking the Cupid site every 3 minutes. I compulsively checked for messages, read profiles and wrote witty, dashing replies.

Lest you think I am nuts, I had heard good things about this form of courtship. A woman friend from church had met several "nice" men through Cupid and encouraged me to try it out. What did I have to lose? Certainly not my virginity. That went by the boards several decades ago. And I was under the false impression that my self esteem was up to the challenge. So, with glee in my heart, I ponied up the money for a 3 month "Gold" membership, wrote what I thought was a kick-ass profile and posted a head shot of myself, white hair and all. (That's how "One Tall Momma" was born. It seemed like a fun, descriptive name.) Then I sat back and waited. And I didn't have to wait long.

In the first week alone I received over 100 hits on my profile. I now know that I was the new meat on the site. At the time I was thrilled. I was a hot property. Messages were flying into my box at an encouraging, flattering rate. Yahoo, this was FUN! Then slowly the scales began to fall from my eyes. At the two week mark I had become an on-line dating snob. Here is the short list of reasons for disqualification as my future mate:

• Posted picture hugging motorcycle, ATV or snowmobile
• Can't write a standard English sentence
• Can't spell
• Starts message with "Hi, Angel or "Hey, Baby"
• After telling me how beautiful I was, going on to tell me at length how beautiful he was
• Asked anything about my kids
• Wanted to know if I wanted someone to "nap" with
• Still lived with his mother
• Was unemployed
• Sent me links so that I could view his favorite shotgun/trap thrower
• posted a picture of himself bare-chested, muscles flexed, beer gut sucked in
  

Of course, this helped me to cull the herd. I am still amazed at the number of men who can not write, and I mean AT ALL. A typical profile could read "luv to walk on the beech, hold hands with perfec girl, sip vinno in front of fir, whil we snuggel together." I kid you not!

One of the men I met and quickly started trading messages with helped clue me into the nuances of the on-line dating universe. My problem was that I was thinking of myself as fish food sitting on the top of the pond waiting for a nibble. Dan advised me to change my thinking. Be not the fish food, become the fisherman! Eureka! I now had a strategy for on-line dating success. With courage in my heart and my sense of humor riding shotgun, I went fishin'. I sent out wonderful, charming, humorous messages to the men that I found attractive. The ones with well written profiles. Profiles that made me laugh. Men who read for fun! I was on a mission.

Two weeks later reality set in. I was crushed to realize that most of the educated, attractive, funny men were not interested in ME. Crushed! Not only that, most of them didn't even have the common decency to respond to my messages with a "Thanks, no Thanks". Manners are dead.

Lest you think my adventure was a total waste of time, I did meet some nice men. Dan and I chatted for months and even went on a date. Oh, he was sooo cute! And tall too boot! Unfortunately, he lived several hours away and we both decided that the distance and our mutually crazy schedules made starting a relationship unrealistic. Then there was Lou. Man, I was in love, as in teenage crush, with Lou. He wrote so beautifully and was a riot. He is a high school math teacher. Lou and I went on 2 dates. The first time we met at Border's. We wandered the book store together taking great delight in the discovery that we loved the same authors. But Lou was, hmmm, shall I say BIG. The deal breaker was the kiss. Yes, at the end of the second date I let him kiss me. Curiosity is a powerful motivating force. I hadn't been kissed by anyone other than my (ex)husband since the early 80's. Lou's kissing technique left me cold. So Lou was out.

At one point I had a stable of men. Some I talked to on the phone, some traded e-mails and some exchanged messages on the site. But one by one either they or I lost interest. I need to point out the I am very safety conscious. With 4 children to protect this was my top priority. I only gave my number to two men, both of whom I had contacted first. I was very leery of anyone who approached me. I let several of the men know that I owned a 20 gage shotgun and that I knew had to use it. (I do. It is in my closet. Bird flu panic protection device. I just can't remember where I hid the shells!) I plan to run a criminal background check on any man who gets beyond a third date. The kids will not be introduced to any potential suitor until the relationship is far, far advanced. They come first.

My "Gold Membership" expired at the beginning of May. I am now a "free" member. There have been no messages in weeks. I'm no longer fresh meat. Which is fine by me.

There is one man left standing, however. He called last night after two weeks of silence. I had written him off. I mean, get real. What single, intelligent man would get involved with a woman with FOUR kids? Even if she is beautiful, smart, funny and had her head screwed on tight. He called just after my 4 year old had started a "screamer". I'm surprised that he didn't hang up then and there. My heart beat faster as I threw food at the tantruming child and headed out to the garage so that I could flirt in peace. We chatted for a bit and then agreed to go for a bike ride on Sunday. Am I out of my mind? Bike shorts are not one of my best looks, and certainly not for a second date. On the other hand, I am desperate for male companionship. So bike shorts and helmet hair it is.