Beaten by a Toothbrush

When I started my parenting journey, almost 14 years ago, I read many books about attachment parenting. I became a Dr. Sears fan and ate up every issue of Mothering Magazine. I have been a La Leche League Leader for the past 11 years and can do "attachment speak" in my sleep. For many, many situations the philosophy works for me. But not all children are the same or respond to the same techniques in the way that we hope.

When my son was 4 he entered a very violent phase. He hit his older sisters' whenever they didn't give him his way, which was much of the time. He would hit me with whatever was at hand; broom, spoon, stick or his body. The techniques that I had used with the girls at that age were NOT working. Comforting the victim and then talking about the violence with the perpetrator had no effect on his behavior.

Off to the therapist went I, looking for answers. How do I parent this child? HELP ME!!! I was frightened of my 4 year old. I was desperate.

The therapist advised that I add the "time out" to my parenting arsenal. No way! Time outs are a "no-no" in the attachment parenting world. But I was at my wit's end. He explained that by not letting his sisters hit him back I was sending unhealthy messages. My son was under the false impression that he could hit someone bigger without a serious consequence...like being decked. My girls were learning that they could not defend themselves against an aggressor. Certainly not messages I wanted to give my children.

The time out works like this. It has rules similar to ice hockey. The aggressor gets his/her age in time in the penalty box. If the victim chooses to retaliate with violence, he/she gets half of their age in the box. That means there is a consequence for hitting back. And clear rules as to how they can hit each other. A fist to the upper arm: O.K. A knee to the nuts: Not O.K.

Miracle of miracles, it worked! It was bloody hard work in the beginning. My son refused to sit on the "spot". I had to constantly put him back in place. If he moved off the "spot" we started the time again. No playing in the "spot". He is a smart boy and finally figured it out. Within 3 weeks the level of violence against his sisters practically disappeared.

Of course, I could not hit him when he hit me. Not cool! Although I did think about it on occasion. No, my new tool was to summon the "Wrath of God" when he hit me. I had to show him my anger. Not by screaming, but with calm, intense wrath. "You must never, ever hit your Momma!" He needed to be shown that there was nothing worse that he could do. It was very, very hard. I had been hit for so long and so often that I was beaten down. Summoning anger every time, as many as 10-12 times per day, was exhausting. But it worked.

There is one final piece of the time out technique that I think is key to the approach. After the time out is over you ask the perp 3 questions:

Why are you in time out?
Why was what you did NOT a good idea?
How could you have done it differently?

The questions help the child accept responsibility for their actions and allow me to talk about alternatives to violence. Using words to express anger. Drawing a picture. Coming and getting me to help. On many occasion the answer to the last question would be "hit her harder next time!"

Yesterday my 4 year old lost her temper and whacked her brother with her new tooth brush. After the screaming died down and I convinced the 8 year old that his arm was not in fact broken, I sent the perp to time out. She went willingly but it was a verryy long 4 minutes. "Am I done yet, Momma? Now, Momma? How much longer, Momma?"

When she was done I asked her the 3 questions:

Why were you in time out?

I hit my brother.

Why was that not a good idea?

Cause we have to respect God and that wasn't a good choice.

What could you have done differently?

Ummmmmmm? (pause) Not hit him?

Keeping a straight face was almost impossible. Her sisters, who were listening, cracked up. The four year old thought it was a fine joke. Even my boy smiled and willingly accepted her apology.

This begs the question: if the parenting tool is viewed as "good fun" by the child, has it lost its value?

Perpetrator and Victim