Infinite Room

Yesterday was grocery day. The cupboards were bare. No fruit, no plain yogurt, no bread, no refried beans and God forbid, no cheese. I have alway maintained that if my kids would just stop eating I would be a rich, rich woman.

A few years ago the prospect of taking all four of them to the market would put me into a coma like state. The baby in the sling, the boy riding shot gun and my girls whining that they were going to die then and there, on the market floor, if I did not buy them....whatever their heart desired. I was not above bribery and/or threats. More then once, I walked out of the market leaving a fully loaded cart, carrying a screaming child.

These days I actually enjoy shopping with my kids. Last year we instituted the "buddy system". I give credit where credit is due. I picked up this pearl of parenting wisdom from the Duggers. Yup, the family that has, what is the count now?, 16 kids. I only have 4, but the concept worked for me. Each older child, my daughters, picked a younger "buddy". They are responsible for their buddy. Only in crowded public places, like the supermarket. It works most of the time. The exception being when the buddies want to kill each other. Then I am the "supreme buddy".

We all had a great time shopping. Here is a list of just the fruit: Peaches, pineapple, mango, bananas, cherries and two watermelons. Because one watermelon was just not going to be "enough".

We hit the check out line in good form. Our bagger was a familiar face. She had been totally freaked out last year when my screamer had done her thing in the market. Yesterday she felt the need to ask me a question. I was distracted. Two of my kids were trying, without much success, to get money out of the Coin-o-matic machine. The other two were asking for a band-aid at the Courtesy Desk. A toe had been bloodied. I never claimed that our shopping adventures were...peaceful. Trying to punch in my PIN number and count my 4 heads takes more concentration then I care to admit.

"How can you love them all. I mean, I was part of a large family, but my Mom, I don't know how she did it."

"Huh?"

"How do you love them all."

"Well. I guess my heart just grew with the arrival of each."

But how do you do it?"

(I was feeling a bit irritated at this point.)
Your heart is not like a bucket that can be filled up. It has the capacity for infinite love. And each of them is unique. And a gift. And I just do. Love each of them best."

(blank stare) O.K.

She didn't get it. And I didn't get it either when I was pregnant with my second. I worried. How in the world could I love another human being as completely and passionately as I loved my first? And then I looked into the eyes of my new daughter and I understood. The human heart can not be explained with words. You just fall, hopelessly, head over heels in love.

The only people who really need to understand are my children. That even when they are angry with me or me with them, that I still love them. I may not like them very much. And visa versa. But I will alway love them.