What do you do when your world lacks color? When you feel as if you are wearing a mask? The mask of the person you used to be? How do you live with a sadness so deep and wide that you can't see the other side? What do you do when you know that you are stuck but have no idea how to get out of the mire? Which begs the question: What is this blog? Is it a place for me to record my life? Or entertain my readers? Or both? And if it is the former, will my readers cease to be if I write of the darkness? And do I really care? So here are the facts. Two years ago, after months in therapy, my husband and I agreed to divorce. And I bought my first pack of cigarettes in 12 years. I have asthma and no health insurance. Rather ironic considering I never paid all that much attention to the health care debate in this country. But now it is personal. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever believe that I would be a divorced woman. Or loss my health insurance. I had been insured, either though my work or through my spouse, for the entirety of my adult life. No I have nothing. Asthma and smoking do not mix. My doctor, a lovely woman who I have been seeing for the past 14 years, thinks that I am depressed. No kidding. She has proscribed Wellbutrin as an antidepressant. And a new inhaler. There is no money in the budget for these things. Yet they should be a top priority. I will write more over the coming days about my multiple attempts to quite smoking. About being able to care for others but not myself. My realization that I am clinically depressed and what that means to a "up by your boot straps Yankee" and the effect this all has had on my family. Know that I will survive. I come from hardy stock. I have a profound faith in myself. I just need to find the color again. To find my way out of the gray and back into the light.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
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21 comments:
i want to quit too. I keep myself awake at night with worries about cancer and leaving my kids. We shall quit together.
hugs ontop of hugs ontop of squeezing feircehereforyou hugs
Getting into exercise helped me quit smoking. I didn't really mean to quit as much as hacking my lungs out after a run/climb/bike ride sucked. I gradually quit wanting them.
I am a big fan of antidresants (sp). I am a very up beat person, but found that I had no zest a couple of months after my brother died. My therapist suggested them and within a week I felt like a human again. It was amazing because I didn't really know how dark my mood was. I went off of them after a couple of months and wouldn't think twice about using them again.
Can your doctor give you samples or perscribe a generic?
If you can't get samples, the makerof the drug has a program you might qualify for where they give you a discount. I forget who makes Welbutrin, but I qualified for the program when I was on it a few years ago. There is a generic Welbutrin, but it didn't work as well for me- made me dizzy, which is probably not so much that the ingredients are different as that the rate in which it is absorbed is different.
Also, my aunt swears her Welbutrin works better when she takes 5-HTP. Ask your Dr about that.
I agree that you need to do whatever is necessary to climb out of the depression. Quitting smoking will look easier when your world is a little brighter. Depression hurts but it's treatable and in many cases, curable. Go for it. You'll have lots of support!
Oh, Ashley, I'm so sorry! Depression. Sigh. Many hugs to you!!
I have battled depression most of my life. Drugs helped me a ton, but getting off of them was nearly impossible- it took three tries and nearly six months of withdrawals.
I changed my diet dramatically. I started working out a LOT and HARD. It made the biggest difference. I took vitamins. I ate sardines for the oil. I went to a chiropractor.
But most of all I leaned on my friends and family. More hugs!!
I know I haven't been around much this past week or so, but I know you have a community here online. Blogging is important for that! I was so relieved to hear that you will blog your way through this. We will be here for you.
PS. I second the recommendation for 5HTP!!
As you know, i understand completely. Also, know that you do not need to "entertain" us when you do not feel like it. I like to read about the real part of your new life.
To me depression is a weight, not a lack of color, but i get it just the same.
I urge you to take care of yourself.
Hugs.
It's important to write the bad along with the good. That's part of life. I wish you luck with quitting smoking and finding the color in your life you are lacking right now. I hope you can find some brightness in the family that surrounds you and loves you.
can't help you quit smoking, but i hear ya on the rest. this thing they call life doesn't seem to work the way we want it to. but drudge through another day we must. i look at my kids on the worst days, and remember what it is all for. and i'll take you up on that drink, ahh a drink in Maine in the fall...i can think of nothing better.
I feel for you. I am so sorry you are going through a hard time. Maybe Wellbutrin will give you the mental positivity and energy you need to find things that will make you happy and give your world color again. writing is so therepeutic. I am glad you have that.
Lisa
Ashley I can so relate. Please do ask for samples, doctors have many many samples for this very reason. When we had no insurance and were paying out the nose for P's meds (one month of meds for him is over $2000!!!), our dr gave us as many samples as she could find and asked if she could share his story with the drug reps, this is exactly why they give them out. Also, I know the Yankee thing, but this might be the right time to rack up a little bit of credit card debt... it is not forever.
Quitting smoking will come... more easily when your head is in a better place.
I miss you and wish I could be there with you now. I miss our chats. A lot. Snif.
I am struggling with a lot myself right now... I am teetering on that slippery slope of using alcohol as my drug of choice instead of a prescription one...
Love you.
still hugging
Find a good therapist too. I assume you are seeing someone since you are getting a prescription -- but an objective person with good ideas and a fresh perspective might also help. We all have our vices. Sometimes I just sit here and repeat 'forward motion, forward motion, forward motion.'
--Kelly
I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
The smoking has to stop...for your health, young lady!
You know...the funny thing about divorce is that some people see it as a bad thing and others see it as a light at the end of the tunnel. The closer I get to my divorce and completion of my education the less depressed I am.
I really hope the Wellbutrin works for you. There are many doctors who prescribe Wellbutrin as a stop-smoking aid.
I just read this and my heart goes out to you. And my support. I suffer on and off from depression/anxiety and I take Zoloft. It's helped tremendously. I second what everyone says about sampling. Someone mentioned therapy - YES. A person who just gives you drugs is not enough. And I also recommend religion. I'm Christian, but half my family is Jewish. I have friends of all faiths. I find that prayer, regardless of who to, works. I really do. There's so much strength in a community of people who are trying to do their best. And I'm not trying to convert you to anything, because I hate those types of people. I'm just reminding you that someone out there (me) believes that someone else up there (whoever he/she is) has a plan of for you. Here's what I say during my times of depression (again, if Christianity isn't your thing, totally cool... just sharing the idea.)Prayer When Your Are Depressed
By: Dr. Walter L. Weston
God, life seems so bleak and useless right now. I don't have any energy. I have no ambition to do much of anything. I am really feeling down. I feel "down on" myself and "down on" everyone around me. Even as I pray, I don't sense your presence. I am going through the motions, knowing that you are still with me.
I know that I am sacred and precious but they are just words right now. I know that my life has been worthwhile, full of many wonderful people and experiences, much happiness and joy. I feel little of this right now. God, all I can do is affirm the goodness of life and try to hold on until the darkness is replaced by your light and love.
Help me to spot the lies that my depressed emotions are telling me. Life is good. I am good. You are good. Grant me hope. My loved ones love me. Life will be beautiful again. Soon, I will see the beauty around me again. Soon, I will again know vitality and purpose, happiness and love. Until then, give me the strength and hope to survive this day.
Help me to smile and laugh, even if just for a moment. Be my strength and salvation. I ask you to restore me and make me whole. Fill me with the Word and the Spirit that I might be recreated anew. I praise and thank you. Amen.
Your blog is whatever you want it to be...and I don't think anyone is leaving. The color will come back. It is just visiting with someone else for a while.
I wish you the best of luck quitting.
Did I ever tell you how glad I was that I found your blog?
I am!
As a former Prozac girl who wishes she could get her prescription refilled, I can relate (a tiny bit-- though not fully by any means as I don't live your life).
For years, I've struggled to get out of the grey room, the beige blog, the messy house where everyone needs me 24-7 and I struggle just to feel something. It would be better if I could just scream, but I don't even feel like doing that. I feel like a huge cotton ball in a pool of ammonia and I can't breathe. And so, I took some time off. Reflected on what is making me nuts. I can't fix it. Not today, but I do need to get up and care for the kids so they aren't sitting in this pool right beside me.
As for your readers, they will remain-- we are all more alike that we realize I think.
I was self employed for several years and had to purchase private health insurance. It excluded my asthma as preexisting but it was better than nothing. You may want to check it out. It was Golden Rule from United Healthcare. It was affordable at about $150/mo for me. Just so that you know, in Maryland where I live, if you have ever taken antidepressants, you are automatically ineligible for private health insurance for life- at least that is what I was told. Believe me, there were plenty of times when I could have used them. I'm sorry, but it is something that you should check into. Good luck to you with finding the colors and with quitting smoking.
I quit smoking a few years ago while mildly depressed. I quit kind of cold turkey (altho was also taking an anti-depressant that had a smoking cessatin effect.) I took on the quitting smoking thing with such fervor that it helped me to focus less on being depressed. I was mild, but it really helped me to have a challenge and a goal.
My thoughts are with you. :-)
I am sorry to hear your sadness. I like Mama Ps advice to cling to your faith family. The thing that I have found to be true is that you must be willing to be transparent but you have to do it with the right people.
When I was dealing with my husbands affair I surrounded myself with church people that I would have not been around before that time. It was hugely important to me to have people that were real and had come to faith through struggles of their own. It can be the ultimate support group.
I'm praying that you find that group of people to put there arms around you and love you with the love of the Lord.
"My therapist suggested them and within a week I felt like a human again. It was amazing because I didn't really know how dark my mood was. I went off of them after a couple of months and wouldn't think twice about using them again."
yeah, what she said...i have been taking Zoloft for 2 years now. I have MAJOR anxiety. After I started taking it I realized just how bad I felt before and how much better I feel now. I have resolved in my own mind that I may be on meds for the rest of my life. But, that's okay. If it helps me function and get out there and live life, then so be it. Before i started working at a health care company that shall remain nameless I hadn't had health insurance in YEARS. So, when I first started taking Zoloft I applied for any help I could from the drug companies and shopped around for the best prices. Costco beat everybody hands down. I also asked my Doc for lots and lots of samples. Now that I have insurance I get the Zoloft for a VERy affordable price and that does make it easier. However, even if I had to start paying full price i would find the money somewhere. It helps me THAT much!
About 10 years ago I took Prozac for about 2 years and it LITERALLY saved my life. I was VERY VERY depressed and the Prozac lifted my mood enough that I could get help and feel better. I was in a very very dark place back then. I know for a certainity in my heart if I wouldn't have had some help from Prozac I would be dead. I'm serious. There is nothing wrong with using RX for help when you need it!
SO, I hope you can find something that will help you as well. And keep turning to your blogging buddies for support....we are here for you no matter your mood or your subject matter. Okay? Oh yeah and stop smoking. I heard it can kill you...... :)
Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. Been there on the divorce. The lack of healthcare (though since Mr. X screwed it up, he managed to fix it -- a small blessed miracle). The depression. The pull-yourself up-by-your-bootstraps thing.
I've got few friends and my family just makes it worse. Surround yourself with those who care (hurray for blogger world) and do look into help from the pharmaceutical companies. They are all feeling pressure to prove they care more about patients than profits and most if not all of them have special programs to provide medicine for the uninsured or indigent. (I promoted the launch of one in the 1990s and Mr. X's company is promoting one now.) If GlaxoSmithKline doesn't have one, ask your doctor about a comparable drug and see if that company does.
ALSO, wow -- therapy helps. HUGELY! I don't know where I'd be without my therapist! She gets me off the hamster wheel. Reminds me of things I turn away from. Makes connections I can't see. And teaching me great coping skills.
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