A Crime In Thought

A Portland woman was arrested Sunday and charged with First Degree Assault. The facts of the case are unclear but it appears that Ms. OTM assaulted her children at the end of a church service that they were attending together. The victims are 13, 8 and 4 years old. All have been released from a local area hospital and are recovering at home. A 4th child was out of town and not present when the crime occurred.

Ms. OTM is being held at the local jail pending a preliminary hearing. She was not available for comment.

The Times was able to interview several witnesses to the alleged crime.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith were seated in the adjacent pew to the family during the service.

"I just don't understand it." Mrs. Smith commented, "She looked so lovely, as did her children. Her son lit the chalice and I know she was pleased that he didn't light anything else on fire. I did notice early on that her teenager was making a paper airplane from the Order of Worship. Mrs. OTM tried several times to stop the activity but her daughter ignored her. The next time I glanced over her little one was trying to get the airplane away from her sister. The older daughter was holding it up in the air and the little one was trying hard to get it. The child was clearly becoming upset and Ms. OTM tried hard to keep things quiet for the sake of her fellow parishioners. Finally the teenager placed the airplane in our pew! Her small daughter dove over the divider to get it. It was quite funny, really. I did notice that Ms. OTM was not smiling and was very red in the face. But I never imagined that she was so close to the edge as to hurt her children!"

Ms. and Mrs. Jones were seated directly behind the family.
Mr. Jones told the Times,

"She had a hellish hard time with her brood that morning. In my opinion she should have sat on that damned paper airplane. Then the tragedy might never have happened. You see, once the little girl finally got the paper airplane she started jabbing the point into her brother. He's quite a kid. I think he may have been sick. He couldn't seem to stay sitting up. He would lay in the pew and she would lean over and hiss at him to sit up. But when he would sit up he would put his sneakers on the pew in front of him. On the fabric covered pew back. Do you have any idea how old and fragile that fabric is? Well I do! And damned hard to replace."

Anyway, the little girl was stabbing her brother and he was kept trying to grab the plane. I haven't had so much fun in church in years!"

Mrs. Jones interrupted her husband to add her own thoughts:

"Honey, it was disgraceful! I couldn't concentrate on the service. A new minister in the pulpit and I swear I didn't hear a thing the poor man had to say! She should have left the brats at home or at least walked out when they became unruly. Our kids never behaved that way, I can tell you! And I swear to God that at one point she leaned over and whispered to her kids that she was going to start crying if they didn't behave. I mean REALLY! Clearly the woman should not be allowed to raise those beautiful kids! I hope they throw the book at her."

Ms. Miller was attending the church for the first time that morning. She told this reporter:

"The mother looked elegant. She had on a linen purple shift dress with a long stand of pearls. I wonder if the were real? Anyhow, during the Moment of Silence I glanced over and noticed her youngest child choking her with her pearls! I'm not kidding you! The child was sitting on the mother's lap facing her and twisting the strand of pearls. The mother was clearly having a hard time breathing. She finally got the pearls away from her daughter. Yeah, the kid was not happy about that.

I think the final straw came toward the end of the long service. Yes, an unusually long service. Anyway, the little boy and the little girl started punching each other. I think that is when Ms. OTM lost it. I can tell you that I am going to reconsider having children after this. Birth control all the way!"

The Times has learned that Ms. OTM will be pleading Not Guilty by reason of Temporary Insanity at her arraignment next week. It is unclear whether or not she will be welcomed back to her church even though she is a current member of its Governing Board and Committee on Ministry. The weapon, a hymnal, is being held as evidence.

(This one's for you But Momma!)