All of my children are home from their week with their Dad. Chaos reigns once again.
My son is going through a rough patch. A few days ago he got the chance to ride his first dirt bike. It's a damn good thing I was not there. I would not have let him within a 100 yards of the infernal contraption. Yeah, over protective..yada, yada, yada.
When I spoke to him on the phone that night he told me about his adventures. He also told me that he had fallen off. Off of the dirt bike! My Baby! When I asked him if he had been hurt he denied any pain. "Yeah, Mom, I took a digger and skinned both of my arms but it didn't hurt at all. And Mom, I didn't cry."
I heaved a big sigh and told him that I wished I could hold him in my arms and kiss his boo-boo's. His response left me in no doubt that he thought he was too old, at 8, to cry in his mothers arm. Or have me kiss his boo-boo's.
I didn't think about it again until I actually saw his injuries. He has scabs all over his forearms and a large bruise on his hip. Clearly a painful boo-boo.
Last night at bedtime I asked him again if it had hurt when he had fallen. He admitted that it had...a little bit. But he again stated that he hadn't cried.
Which brings me to my problem. Why do we raise our boy children to be "tough"? My ex-husband does not cry. He is one of those thrill seeking macho men who denies pain and fear. Now, when one of our girls hurts herself he is empathy itself. But not with his son. And this pisses me off. It is not fair. A double standard.
How can I raise a man who is in touch with all of his feelings if his father is telling him "suck it up" and be a "man". An 8 year old man. I want to raise a real man who can be in a real relationship with a real woman someday.
Into every divorced couples life a little conflict must fall.
This is the conversation I had with my son last night.
You know how God made the world full of colors for our pleasure?
Yeah?
Well, he also gave us emotions. Feelings. What color do you feel when you are mad. Really, really mad?
Red!
Yes! And when you are happy do you feel yellow? So do I. How about sad?
Blue? I guess blue.
And fear? pain?
Hmmmmm....purple. Yup, purple.
Well son, you were given the ability to feel many feelings. Some of them are not fun. Anger, fear and sadness are not fun but we still must feel them or we would not be using all of the colors. Life would be boring without all of the colors. And even though you may not like being afraid, if you let yourself feel it then the happy colors will be brighter. Do you understand?
I think so.
Now, to be honest, I am not sure if he got the message. Pain is not just a physical sensation but can be an emotional state. And I believe in my bones that I must teach my son to recognize and honor all of his emotional states. Not just the easy or comfortable ones.
That means teaching him not to be afraid of the full spectrum of human emotions.
If you are raising boy(s) and are interested in this topic a great book to read is Raising Cain by Dan Kindlon.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
The Color of Fear
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10 comments:
I've been dealing with the mentality of "suck it up" since Wolfie was 3. PITA keeps shoving that down the boy's throat. I don't want Wolfie (or Landon) to grow up to be an insensitive dick like their father.
I'll check into the book. Thanks!
My husband was raised by an emotion-repressed man. As such, he was terrified to have boys. But we married very early, and I like to think I had something to do with raising him differently once I got him away from home ;-).
My boys both show full ranges of emotion. Of course, they get to school and they are told to suck it up. I figure at least they know they can come home and be themselves. This will be doubly hard for you, because he may be getting a different message from dad - his other home. Keep up the good work, and rest assured that some of it will get to him.
It's a constant tightrope walk. I have a son who is overly emotional, so we have the opposite problem. Raising boys is tough. I think your analogy to colors is great! Good job.
it is so hard with boys....when they are small we tell ourselves we will not stifle their emotions. but no matter what we teach them, they see how the world is.
i tell my sons that emotions are good, but all emotions need to be controlled. it's ok to be mad, but not ok to take it out on others. it's ok to be sad, but don't dwell on it. and it's ok to get upset, but don't let it ruin your day. move on and find something better.
i can only hope it works.
Nice story with the colors. I bet he'll remember it.
That's a tough one with your boy and the ex, as boys do look to their fathers to see how men should act.
I only have a girl, so supressing emotions is NOT a problem around here.
Crying for pain is an interesting concept. Some people cry from pain to elicit some kind of response from someone else. I've witnessed my kids get hurt when they thought no one was watching - and not burst into tears until they finally saw mom or dad.
I was hurt recently and the only emotion I could muster up was a bunch of swearing. I never felt a need to cry.
yeah, boys are hard. My husband is emotionally constipated, but he lets our boys cry and doesn't give them a hard time about it. That makes me HAPPY. I heard there is a really good book about raising boys, I wonder if it's that raising cain book you mentioned? the author was on Oprah one day and his book sounded VERY interesting!
School is a big influence. My Eldest is very sensitive and cries. And at school this flags him as the boy the other boys can pick on to get a rise, get a reaction, make a wound. So I'm trying to teach him a little about teflon.
The dad has them enrolled in soccer and the Eldest is the one who gets hurt and cries and sits on the sidelines.
I want him to express. I want him to feel. But I don't want him to be the target because of it.
sigh.
With The Youngest I am trying to figure out how to teach him to deal with his anger. He destroys things.
I will have to check out that book.
I like your rainbow explanation and will have to check out that book. My son is pretty good about expressing his feelings, and I want to make sure he stays that way. I don't think his dad will necessarily train him out of it, but I do think society could, and that bothers me.
I was reading the 2,996 memorial, nicely done by the way, And found myself scrolling down.
What a great Mom you are! Your son is lucky to have you.
I am having some issues with my son being sad that his Daddy is in Iraq and he is unable to express his misery. Thank you for the insight!
I will check out the book.
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