Over the last two years I have quite smoking more times then I can count. I rip up packs of cigarettes before going to bed, firm in my resolve. Only to crumble at the first hint of stress which in my house occurs within moments of my children waking up. I have often thought that if I could just be locked in a padded room with duct tape over my mouth for three days I would finally be free. They say that nicotine is as addictive as cocaine or heroin. I'm a believer. If I go several hours without a smoke my blood positively sings for a hit. I have become a slave to the drug. My therapist says I just need to replace one habit with another. Smoking replaced by exercise. Both give you an endorphin kick. But, at least right now, it is easier to sit on my back stoop (no, I do not smoke near my kids) and have a quick smoke then it is to run around the block. Here is my brain on cigarettes:
They are killing you! Your lungs are black and filled with tar. You will die an agonizing death from lung cancer and leave your children orphans. You smell awful. Every time you kiss or hug the kids they can smell the smoke on you. As can friends and family members. And the expense. You could save enough to fly to Scotland on the money you spend on cigarettes. Your asthma is getting worse. And the cough. You sound like you are going to cough up a hunk of lung. Get a grip woman! Quite the damn things now! Today! And never, ever light up again.20 minutes later:
Get the hell out of my way. I am driving to the store to buy a pack and you had better not try to stop me. All I want is just one. I wish they sold the damned things one at a time instead in boxes of 20. I'll try again tomorrow. Right now, this very minute I will sell my left boob for a smoke. So get the hell outta my way. Plus I'm a nicer, kinder more patient mother when I smoke. It's my reward. If this day continues without a smoke I may kill one of the little buggers. I am in a foul, evil, vile mood. So get the hell out of my way....Pretty freaky but very accurate. So today, once again, I have a high octane nicotine patch stuck to my butt. I haven't smoked since Saturday but I was away, out of my home environment. Now that I'm home it has been hard. It's 10:32 am. I've made it four and 1/2 hours. All of the kids are still alive. And if I could just stop thinking about them I would be fine.
13 comments:
omg I do the exact same thing I sit out in my garage puffing thinking WHY am I smoking? it doesnt even taste good any more. yet as soon as the phone rings I roll one up. I have a few big "trouble" times where i dont even think about it before I smoke. I will have four in a row, not thinking if I am on the phone. After meals is a biggie too!
if the patch works for you, im going to get them too!
I have heard that the reason nicotine is so adicting is that our brain produces a chemical ( or soemthing) that is very similar to nicotine, and when you smoke the brain stops producing it because you already get it fromt eh smokes so you have to tuff out the physical withdrawl untill your brain starts producing it again ( i have also heard that after 24 hours smoke free the brain starts it up, but I have gone 24 hours without, and i still feel the urge)
then you have to battle the "habit" where you smoke after meals or ont he phone or when the kids fight or whatever.
for me the urge to smoke is almost painful. my chest feels tight liek I cannot breath and it hurts! I want to quit, but I am not a strong willed person.
i think i am going to try again tho. course my hubster smokes like a chiminey so that wont help.
Good for you! Hang in there. (Easy for me to say, huh?)
Your beautiful and wonderful. You can do it. Even if it takes a couple more times, you can do it. You're going to kick this thing because you are tough and one of the tall girls. And tall girls RULE THE WORLD.
(posted again so you get the message)
Your beautiful and wonderful. You can do it. Even if it takes a couple more times, you can do it. You're going to kick this thing because you are tough and one of the tall girls. And tall girls RULE THE WORLD.
I understand this so well. I have a weird pattern of smoking. I don't smoke all day, and actually the thought of a cigarette in the morning makes me a little sick. But, lo, a few hours after dinner, right before bed....... What difference could 1 or 2 make?
Drives me crazy and i feel so stupid.
Been doing better lately, with a few relapses.
Courage my dear.
Sounds like a bitter struggle. It took a whoppin case of pneumonia several years ago before I quit. Breathing was hard enough - smoking was impossible. After a month of recovery, I just couldn't do that to my lungs anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting you get pneumonia to quit smoking. It was the most painful thing I've ever been through - but damn, it sure does work!
I used to be the same way about food... not the same, but still a vicious cycle that pits your "good self" vs. your "bad self."
BTW, good always wins...eventually.
Hang in there! You've had the habit for a long time, so it makes sense that getting rid of the habit could take a while too, yes? You can do it!
(The Welbutrin should be helping with this, if it isn't, maybe you want to talk to the Dr about that...)
I hope you made it! Charlie won't throw his away, when he decides he's going to quit, he has to smoke them all first.
(Me, rolling my eyes)
Hang in there, even if you keep hopping off the wagon every other day. You can do it. You ARE a good parent, without those cigarettes - that is the devil tellin' you that you aren't good without them!
;-)
I'm so glad I never started. I'm not good with kicking addictions. They all come down to "oh this ONE time won't hurt..." But it does. It's like an avalanche. Once you get that point down - you'll know not to fall for it again.
I'm not judgmental - smoke, don't smoke, is how I approach my friendships - but as a fellow asthmatic, I know YOU shouldn't do it. Girl, we have a hard enough time breathing under normal circumstances! You can quit. You can do it.
Breaking habits is one of the most important things. I had a hard time quitting because I was used to smoking at certain times or in certain places around my house (also the back stoop!) I had to break those habits by inventing new ones. (I twirl my hair now while I watch TV.) (I used to chew on cinnamon toothpicks after dinner.) (I drink 2 glasses of wine each night now instead of just one.) You get the idea. :-)
Go to bed with your "pepper grinder" and you'll feel better.
I'm so sorry for you-- good luck. You can do it.I'm like this when sweets are in the house, so I try to keep them oout. I know it's not the same, but it's as close as I can get to relating. I hope all goes well and the good voice in your head finds a louder voice than the bad one
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