It has been 5 weeks since I started taking an antidepressant. And there has been no change. Well, that is not strictly true. I have spent the last five weeks thinking about the nature of sadness. That was the reason that I initially went on the medication. This river of deep sadness that has not gone away. Medication has not helped dry the river up.
It has been over 2 years since my ex moved out and over 1 year since the divorce was final. I knew that I had to go through my suffering but I thought that I would come out the side. What I didn't get, in a very profound way, was that I would come out the other side fundamentally changed. Dumb, huh? Do the hard work of suffering and be rewarded with a return to normal....
I have ever so slowly come to the realization that this sadness is now a part of me. A new part of me. Other then the death of a sister from leukemia when she was 5 and I was 9, my life has been wonderful. No tragedy. No deaths. No life altering events. Until June 13, 2004 that is.
When I poke my heart with my mental finger the place that was filled with love for my husband(ex) is now filled with sadness. A death. The death of a dream. Of a 23 year old love affair. Of my best friend. My confidant. My lover. My love.
So this sadness, I have come to realize, is now a part of me. It is not going to go away. I will never be who I was before. Learning to live with the sadness and still find the joy is my new challenge. And for that I do not need medication. I just need patience and time.
Friday, October 27, 2006
New Me
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12 comments:
are you sure about stopping the meds? i dont know much about anti depressents , so be sure to talk to a doctor, other then that, we will be here with you during this new journey to the next part of your life
"So this sadness, I have come to realize, is now a part of me. It is not going to go away. I will never be who I was before."
Hmm... I think that sadness makes us human. And you are exactly who you were before, only having a new (terribly difficult) experience.
It took me so many years to realize that I have depression. I have problems with depression. I am responsible for controlling my depression. DEPRESSION DOES NOT HAVE ME.
YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.
When I hit rough spots in life I make my decisions based on the opinions of those who love me. What would THEY want me to do? How would THEY expect me to act/take care of myself? This has helped me when depression make me indecisive and crazy and unmotivated.
You will move through this because you have to.
And I will keep kicking your butt.
i just want to tell you that i understand. I hear you. And although my story has not (yet) ended as yours did, i still know sadness and grief in a way that i did not previously.
HUGS...you will make it through. We all have sadness, losing people we love, be it death or divorce, happens.
so strange that i am having conversations every day with my son on this matter. Look to the happy times you had, and don't be sad that you won't have them anymore. Be glad that you had the opportunity to have them in the first place.
HMMMM. WEll. HMMMM. I think stopping meds is a mistake, only because they have helped me so much. Then again I have never gotten a mind bending headache from my meds either like you have. I can understand where you are coming from and only wish you the best!
Please don't go off the meds. I think the reason you're able to rationalize so well is because you are finally focusing due to the meds. Pills don't take away pain. They take away the anxiety so we can deal with it better. You loved someone for 23 years. That's not going to go away overnight. But you can let him take the best part of you or you can save it for yourself. It's old but true: Do your hair - get extentions! Get a new outfit. Try a new class. Fxx HIM for doing that to do you, but Fxxx YOU MORE if you let him affect you forever. (I mean that with love. I don't really mean for you to fxxx off... just making a point.)
Oh, my dear. Wisdom comes at a rough price sometimes - especially self-wisdom.
After my grandfather was murdered and my brother diagnosed with AIDS, my doctor wanted to put me on anti-depressants. I declined - because, as I said to her, "I have a reason to be sad." I had to learn to be that person who had those awful things to mull over - whether I wanted to or not, sometimes.
Of course you can't be who you were. And you didn't get to choose this change - it just came along and walloped you. But you're strong, and smart, and I, for one, like who you are. You'll learn to be this new woman. I know you will.
I am really sorry for your loss... even if it was "for the best" I just can't imagine that kind of pain. But I think it shows a true strength to be able to write about it honestly like that.
Good luck, and take care of yourself. And please keep writing!! I love reading your blog.
I think I'm hearing a good thing in the midst of your post - an understanding of your sadness and how you plan to approach it.
Keep the faith my friend and please know that we're here to listen.
It's my first visit here and I was struck by your post. Just want you to know I'm rooting for you. I can tell from your words that you have deep strength of spirit, patience and wisdom that will carry you through life's worst. You'll make it and you'll be all the more better for it. c",)
I went on Paxil after my mother passed. Couldnt stop crying at work...bad combo. Was on them for a year, tried getting off, no good, went back on them for another six months and now off of them for about six months or longer. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find the right medication for you. Sadness does become part of you, it changes you and molds you into a differn't person. The trick is to know when it has taken over. Be sure that it is something you can live with. There is no shame in needing help, only shame in hidding from it.
I have been where you are. A few months ago, I came across my writings from that time in my life. At first, it just made all the pain come rushing back, but the more I read, the more I realized how changed I am since then. When the pain is not so fresh, you will be amazed at what you have morphed into. I know that doesn't help now. Be good to yourself :)
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