If Looks Could Kill

I was sitting in the car in the pick-up line when the 11 year old popped into the car and sat in the front seat. In our family, the front seat is reserved for the eldest child. I know that this may not sound fair, but it is a perk, given that she also assumes more responsibility as the eldest then does her younger sibling. The rule has been in place ever since the eldest turned 12 and could legally ride in the front passenger seat. The second child has struggled with this rule, but for the most part she goes along with the status quo. Not today. She started right in on me. "Why does she always get to sit in the front?" "I want sit in the front. Can't I just sit there sometimes?" "Please"....This went on for 5 minutes. I would patiently explain why we have the rule and she would ask again if she could sit in the front seat, occasionally. Finally, in exasperation, I told her that the next time around she should chose to be the first born. That didn't go over so well.

She was sitting next to me, yes, in the passenger seat, as we waited for her older sister. I reached out and rubbed her arm. Very subtly she shifted her position and shrugged off my hand. I was clearly not her favorite person at that moment.

We collected the rest of the gang and headed home. As I was barreling down the highway I was thinking about being mindful. I was suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude for my children. I started singing to the children's song that was playing. It is one of our family favorites and one I have sung a million times before. Child number two sits directly behind me. I could hear her singing as well. I looked at her in the rear view mirror and smiled. She was singing along. As soon as her eyes met mine she stopped and gave me a killer glare. The joy was sucked out of the very air.

I won't go into the resulting conversation. She did apologize after I explained that she had hurt my feelings. I don't think she realizes how deeply she can wound me when she wants to. And I don't want her to know. I cried as I drove around Back Cove and had stopped by the time I pulled into the driveway.

Does having an open and vulnerable heart mean that you can be hurt? I guess so. It sucks but is better then the alternative.