Transitions. That is what I am going through. A transition. My 5 year old daughter is also going through a transition. She is handling hers remarkably well. I walked her to the playground yesterday morning and was prepared to wait while she played for the 10 minutes before the bell rang and then to walk her to her classroom. She ran off to play after a quick hug and was back in a flash.
"You can go home now, Mom."
"Are you sure? I can walk to your classroom with you. Help you put away your stuff?"
"No, Mom. You can GO now."
She stood and watched me until I got into my car and then ran off to play. She wanted to make sure that I actually left. To say that I am pleased is an understatement.
Truthfully, Monday sucked. After walking aimlessly around my house, I crawled into my bed, under the covers and wept. Then I slept. For almost 4 hours. Mind you, it was 10:30 in the morning. When I woke, at was almost 2:30 in the afternoon. I was overwhelmed with guilt. I felt....slothful. Isn't that one of the 10 deadly sins? Sloth?
Shortly thereafter my beautiful, wise and wonderful 3rd sister called me. She listened to my tale of woe. To how I had been blind sided by sadness when I had expected joy. She listened and then she told me that I needed to do the exact same thing all week.
"You mean sleep through the middle, the most productive part of the day? I can't do that."
"Ashley, you have worked you butt off for 15 years raising your children. You deserve a rest. Think of it as a well deserved rest."
What a shame that I needed a sister to give me permission to do something for myself.
A friend from church listened to me describe how the last two days had felt tilted, for lack of a better word. I tried to describe how I felt out of kilter. He told me about Robert Kegan's model of how the self evolves over time and that it sounded to him as if I was entering one of those "wilderness" periods between stages.
My question is this...should I leave a trail of breadcrumbs so that I can find my way home?
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
In the Wilderness
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4 comments:
im having no trouble getting rid of Blake, but maybe it will be different when I am shipping the last one off to school.
The kids started school Aug 20th, E is also all day. I know my years of being home are not even half of yours, but I had a little freak out too. But for different reasons. I am not sad at all, I'm happy, but... I'm also finally finally finally having some breathing room. P had a rough summer full of mania and psychosis and he is fine now. I dealt with it all summer, and now that they are gone all day I am completely falling apart. I want to scream at the world "do you know what I have been doing the past seven years? what I am still doing?" I am able to come to terms with the fact that what I do is HARD and it really HURTS sometimes. I have given up so much of myself to parent my child with mental illness. That is such a martyr statement and I am not at all feeling like a martyr, hard to express.
Anyway. Your sister is wise. That is what I did for my first week. I went to the gym every day, came home, and sat. Didn't cook didn't clean didn't study, I just sat. I really needed to do that.
Now I'm more in the swing of things, working and trying to finish my real estate class, going to the gym... and the house has still not been cleaned HAH!
You deserve some NOTHING time. You do.
I went through the same thing with my daughter. Went home and cried on Lois' shoulder for an hour and moped around for a few days. Daughter went to college a few weeks ago and I have been having trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. Haven't even cared about my blog. Sometimes you just have to feel the crap and let it move on out so you can get on to what's next. But it sucks.
I know how you feel. Transitions are so hard. They really are. I will miss my kids desperately, while being grateful for the time. I understand why old people volunteer at hospitals now.
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