Too Much Nature

We have been up in Camden a fair amount over the last several weeks. Constant readers know that this means birds, bugs, boards and all of the other assorted and sundry joys of camping with 4 children and one dog. See here for a refresher.

Last week I found myself in an episode of Wild Kingdom. All that was missing was Marlin Perkins.

The first encounter happened, I will admit, while I was under the influence of alcohol. Which just added to the hair raising fun. I had been out the night before, after my Aunt's Memorial service, and had a wee to many of those yummy, warming coffee drinks. The ones made with 3 kinds of brandy and that leave me feeling mellow. Oh, so mellow. So mellow, in fact, that when I got back to camperland I popped a CD into my car radio, cranked the volume up high and danced under the light of the full moon in the middle of the field. By myself. For almost an hour. It was glorious. (The kids were with their Dad that weekend. Good thing too. Otherwise he might have considered modifying the custody agreement.)

Anyway, I finally collapsed onto my bed of nails and fell fast asleep. I woke at 5am with my tongue glued to the roof of my mouth, my teeth covered with fur and not one ounce of moisture left in my body. And my head....well, it hurt to think. I stumbled out of the camper with the intention of walking to my Dad's house to use the potty and brush my teeth but got no further then the corner of the camper. It is distinctly possible that I was still pickled. As I stood there and gazed at the clouds in that hour before dawn while trying not to move my head I heard a very loud "thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk". Or was it more of a "thud, thunk, thud, thunk"? All I knew was that it was LOUD and totally unexpected.

To say that I jumped out of my skin, almost peed my pants and shit a brick all at the same time would be an understatement. I froze. All the while trying to decide if I would fit under the camper or if I should just try to climb onto the top of the camper. My pupils were dilated, my pulse was racing and I may have even whimpered in fear.

It took more then a few moments for my logical brain to tell my primal brain that what I was hearing and then vaguely seeing, was not an alien invasion but a herd of deer racing across the meadow. They had been blissfully grazing in the predawn on the other side of the camper until the soused woman had startled them into fleeing for the woods. I could just barely make out the illusion of movement as they raced past. What I could feel was the ground shaking under my feet.

On the walk back from Dad's house I startled a small critter, possibly a coon or skunk. He took off at a run in the other direction. I ran like a deer for the camper.

Back in the camper I snuggled under my down comforter to sleep it off. That was when the birds started singing. Every song bird in the entire State O Maine was in the tree by my head and they were all chirping with gusto. And all I could think was , "Would someone please turn down the fucking birds. Please....." whimper, whimper, sob.

Too much frigging nature for this woman. Way too much.