It's the Smile

A truly weird and wonderful thing has been happening to me lately. It is hard to write about without giggling and blushing or sounding vain. Now, vanity has never been one of my issues. Quite the opposite, in fact. For years and years I struggled to see myself as beautiful. First as a beautiful person and then, just in the last several years, as physically beautiful. And it was a struggle. It took some hard work.

The work of changing how I viewed my face and body was started because of my daughters. I came to believe that if I verbally bashed myself with statements such as "I hate my thighs" or "My stomach is too big" or "My legs are ugly" that in time my girls would come to doubt their own beauty. But if I could stand naked in front of my full length mirror and not complain about what I saw there, at least not verbally, then I would be giving them a gift of great value. To honor and respect the form we have been given by God. To find beauty in our own imperfections. To model for them love and acceptance of my physical form. Plus, I do not diet or speak to my daughters about dieting. That is another trap. We talk about eating a wide variety of healthy food in moderation. And if we eat junk, which we do occasionally, we eat that in moderation as well.

My impulse it to stop here. Enough said. Done and Done.....deep breath and courage.

It's silly, really. You see, I have getting a whole lot of compliments lately. From friends and family, to be sure. My favorite compliment happened at my Aunts memorial service last weekend. Some old ladies who knew me when I had pig tails and skinned knees looked up at me, one a time and told me I was "stunning" and "lovely" and gorgeous". I almost looked over my shoulder to see it they were talking about someone behind me. But no, it was me and I stammered and said thank you and then ran for a glass of wine.

But men have also begun to take notice. Some I have known for years and some are total strangers. I am being hit on. On a fairly regular basis. And this is the part that has me thrown for a loop and grinning like an idiot. I would even go so far as to say that I am in danger of becoming vain. At 46 years old. How ironic is that?

Now, I have been scratching my head of late trying to figure out why this is happening. Yes, I have lost close to 30 pounds. They are still coming off and I am not even trying. The only thing I am doing differently, besides the increased exercise, is not eating after dinner. I used to pound a pint of ice cream or a bag of chocolate without breaking a sweat. I think that I was trying to fill some emotional hole which is now being filled in other ways. I used to say that the junk was my reward for being a good mother that day. Now, I just don't need or want it any longer. So, yes, I am looking good. But I think it goes deeper then that.

I think that there is a "glamour" or invisible shimmer or possibly an energy field that surrounds a woman who knows she is sexually healthy. Sexually powerful. Smugly satisfied. A woman who is getting some seriously good lovin' on a regular basis. I walk though my days wearing my "cat who just eat the canary" smile. It is this, more then anything else, that I think is drawing them like bees to the honey.

buzz, buzz.....giggle, giggle.